Lots of bloggers and pseudo-writers have entries where they post emails they receive from readers. I’ve decided to do the same.
The most notable thing here is the complete lack of hate mail I’ve received. Shockingly, for a guy who compares things to the Holocaust and attributes the taste of sushi to the Rape of Nanking, I’ve yet to receive a single piece of hate mail. My only recourse is to play around with the responses I sent those who provide me with non-hate mail.
Without further ado, here are some messages I’ve received along with my replies. Hey, I’ve even changed the names to protect the innocent!
Karen. I love her but I’m not in love with her.
from Karen to Me Hi fellow blogger - LOVE your blog!
from Me to Karen Hi Karen, And I love you.
from Karen to Me This is my usual self. If you say no, it's fine - most normal people get freaked out by strangers asking them out for drinks. I don't, but hey, I'm strange like that. So, want to go out for drinks? One fellow blogger to another one.
from Me to Karen Hi Karen, Well, this is awkward. You see, when I told you I loved you, I meant it like how a drunk 15-year-old boy at his first alcohol-fueled party would say it to total strangers. Then the next morning he's thinking, "what the hell did I say last night?" Later he finds YouTube videos of him talking to a corner lamp about mergers and acquisitions in early 20th century conglomerate businesses.
from Karen to Me umm, wow, this is embarrassing. I really didn't mean anything by it, I just enjoy meeting new people.
Tanya. Friend of a friend.
The back story here is she works with a friend and sent an email with a link to this site to my friend, and my friend told her she knows me and CC’d me on the email. So I replied.
from Me to Tanya Hi Tanya, I understand you had tears in your eyes from laughing so hard. I want you to know it's completely normal and I'm used to it. Why, just this weekend my mother had tears in her eyes as she told me she was proud of me while laughing hysterically. She used air quotes when she said "proud," but I think that's just something she saw Tina Fey use on television. She's a big Tina Fey fan which is probably why she calls me at 3 AM every evening to ask me why I couldn't be more like my older sister. My sister has a friend named Tina, so I'm pretty sure that's where the connection is. Actually, she's not a friend, she did my sister's mani-pedi one time. And her name was Bi'ch, which means "jade" in Vietnamese, but everyone called her Tina because she used a falsified Social Security number under that name and they wanted to keep up appearances so she didn't get deported. Plus Bi'ch is a terrible name. Being able to read through the history of what culminated in me receiving this message I have learned a few things. First, Alejandra says I'm a nice guy. This is news to me, and it's also libel. I would think that working at a law firm teaches you to avoid that, Alejandra. Or maybe you're aware of it but know that you've got so many lawyers to back you up you can make up whatever you want? That's cold. You're cold-blooded, I like that shit. Second, you sent your original email out to an Alex ****. This means one of three things: 1) You're two co-workers with coincidentally the same weird-ass Dutch or Danish surname; 2) He is your relative. 3) He is your husband. Since you're clearly infatuated with me, it can't be number 3. Also, you don't strike me as subscribing to nepotism (let alone being able to deal with working with family) so it can't be 2. That leaves 1, which is a dumb choice because it looks like your surname means "****" according to my limited knowledge of West Germanic language I've gathered from straight-to-DVD Jean Claude Van Damme movies, and it's silly to think that surname would propagate. I mean, really now, he can't be your husband. The love you've professed to me is clear. I got your coded message from your original e-mail: "Ok, I was just informed about this blog caLled BOy Writes Miami. This guy thinks like I do which is probably why I think his blog is one of the funniest things I haVe evEr read. HIs sarcasM is at An aLltime high, and his crudeness gets 2 thumbs up. I have nO idea who The hell this guy is, but I instantly want to become his friend. He is out of control." I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you.
from Tanya to Me Orlando, thank you for making me laugh so much. You are right, **** is a weird ass Dutch name which according to my in-laws means "****." I scored on the last name. Even better, I love when people see me and ask me if I am Dutch. I don't look remotely Dutch. Its like asking an Indian person with the last name Rosenberg if he/she is Israeli. Retarded. Now, for the ultimate blog coverage- I have an idea for you. Urbandaddy sent an email about a "cougar convention" being held in miami later this month. I may have a heart attack from laughing so hard if you cover this event. You should go. The cougars will love you. Ok, talk soon Orlando. Keep up the great work.
from Me to Tanya Hi Tanya, From now on you're no longer Tanya to me. You are ****. Or I can call you "****." Or just ****. Or ****. I'll go with ****. [Ed Note: It was hilarious, I promise.] ****, I'll do anything for you, and by anything I mean strictly go to the cougar convention. Tell me where and when and I'll go sleep with a cougar for an Xbox game. And I'll beat the game. For you.
from Tanya to Me Ok, here are the details (I just realized that the event is tonight): [Link] You may need to bring some of those cupcakes with you that you bought from LA Cupcakes. Once you show these women a box of cupcakes, you can seal the deal on the spot. Plus, the event is conveniently taking place at the Embassy Suites.
from Me to Tanya Hi Tanya, I'm afraid that's a little too short notice for me. Unfortunately as of this morning I'm in DC for a few days and lack the (useful, I'm betting) superhuman ability to fly/run to Miami to get kneaded (on my penis, of course) by a ferociously voracious cougar. I do know some Lybians selling high-grade uranium, so I'll experiment with its effects if I rub it against my thighs. If something great develops, I'll inform you immediately. If something cancerous develops, my lawyer will inform you immediately.
from Tanya to Me in DC for a few days? how can you abandon miami? we need you here. the cougar convention is happening as we speak. let me know how the high-grade uranium works for you. should make for an interesting story. have a safe trip, ****
from Me to Tanya I took the uranium and now I am dead. Fuck. Sent from my iPhone
Maria. Word counter.
from Maria to Me Came upon your website, and I love it. Kudos! (Just a word of encouragement)
from Me to Maria Hi Maria, Does anyone call you ****? I'm going to call you ****. Thank you for the nine words of encouragement. I would've liked an even ten, but beggars can't be choosers. On the other hand, I'm not begging, so I would demand you to add one more word of encouragement to get things nice and uniform. Thank you ****, I'm sure you'll be prompt. Also, I ask that you make sure that 9th word fits in seamlessly with your sentence. And it can't be the words, "I", "we", "me", "the", "and", "do", "not", or "microcosm."
from Maria to Me My kindergarten teacher Mrs. Meerman (way back when), and my mother occasionally are the only ones who have called me "****". More power to you! Just came upon your website, and I love it. Kudos! 10 words. Done![:)]()
from Me to Maria Hi Maria, Damn it.
Katie. She played along.
from Katie to Me I came across your blog on Thrillist and I just wanted to let you know I'm a fan. Your Yelp reviews are so funny they have passed the Three Wolf Moon Shirt comments as my favorite reviews on the internet. I'm also sending you an email because I'm wondering if you have eaten at Michael's Genuine Food & Drink. A lot of Yelp users love the food, and three different chefs raved about the desserts on Best Thing I Ever Ate on Food Network, so I'm wondering if the place is worth the drive. I live south of West Palm Beach, so it's a little bit of a drive. If you could review it for your site, I'd appreciate it. Or you could write back that the food sucks. Whatever floats your boat.
from Me to Katie Hi Katie, Thank you for being a fan. Here is an article on a South Korean urban legend called "fan death": http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fan_death Sure, it's about electric fans, but you didn't specify what sort of fan you are. You may be a mechanical fan, or perhaps one of the ones Victorian ladies in the 19th century used to keep their faces nice and cool. Either way, I found it prudent to let you know what your brethren are [allegedly] up to these days. I have never eaten at Michael's Genuine Food & Drink, but I have shopped at Michael's before. Most of their crafts are inedible, however if you have a 3rd world stomach constitution you may be able to handle some of the water-based paints. From my understanding they are made in Thailand, not China, so I'm assuming their lead content is a lot lower. Or not, I'm not really sure, all those people in the Orient are the same to me. The only show I've ever watched on Food Network was Rachel Ray's show because I sort of have a thing for her. Yes, I'm aware she's chubby, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. She works with food all day. If she wasn't a little chubby I would constantly doubt the deliciousness of her gourmet and thus not watch her program. I will check this place out and report back. Possibly this weekend. Possibly.
from Katie to Me I'd like to think I'm like a http://tinyurl.com/2dd6ovw but I'm pretty sure I'm more like http://tinyurl.com/2be4eyb. Thank you for warning me about Korea. Those bastards have flown under my radar for too long. It's apparently time to go rogue and become The Fan Hanger. Again. You scoff at fan death because I've been vigilant and kept America safe but this is a problem that warrants serious attention and a golf tournament. Michael's is good in a pinch, but I'm pretty sure this http://tinyurl.com/23mjw74 will give you more than 5 cavities. The Food Network women are all annoying to listen to, but the half-assed half-cooked food by alcoholic Sandra Lee are usually worth a good chuckle. She buys pre-made cookies, adds pre-made frosting and sprinkles and acts like she made a souffle. Really, she's just hurrying up to make an alcoholic drink so strong that the smell alone will knock most people on their ass. Supposedly, she went to culinary school. You can't tell from watching her show. Rachael was hot in FHM http://tinyurl.com/2e933fb, even though it was obviously airbrushed. Some people find the Barefoot Contessa sexy http://tinyurl.com/2af5vce. And you might want to check out the female Guy Fieri http://tinyurl.com/2enztkf. She loves to get her hands on a big piece of meat. Hope you enjoy Michael's. Many mention making reservations and sitting inside, unless you want 50 people smoking on top of you.
from Me to Katie Hi Katie, It's clear to me you like URLs that are tiny. And the Food Network. I apologize, but I wasn't able to make it out to Michael's this weekend. The female I'm currently trying to sex decided on a different place, and since I wish to sex her I had to go along with this decision. You would be happy to know that because of my decision I was able to sexually intercourse her, so I thank you for your patience. Maybe I'll be able to go there some time this week. Now when she says, "hey, let's go to Buena Vista Bistro" I can say, "actually, wench, your vagina no longer holds power over me" and suggest Michael's instead.
